Mac Wilder Murrell

December 20, 2024

June 3rd, 2024 I received a call from my OB’s nurse practitioner. I knew it was about the NIPT results but figured that it would just be her calling to confirm that the sneak peek test we had done at 6 weeks was correct and that it was in fact a baby boy. Little did I know the news I was about to receive would change my life forever. I answered the phone and she asked if I was in a place to talk which I thought was strange but I said yes as I sat in my car in front of TJ Maxx. She told me the screening came back and my baby was high risk for Trisomy 18 also known as Edwards syndrome.

I immediately googled it and felt a wave of shock. She continued talking and basically said everything that I was reading off of google. “Incompatible with life” “5-10% of these babies born alive won’t make it to their first birthday” “an array of defects”. All I could get out was an “okay”. I must’ve not of sounded as upset as she would’ve expected because she responded with “this is not good news do you understand that?” I responded with “yes” as tears filled my eyes and she continued talking about what this meant moving forward. She asked me to come in the following day to discuss more. At that appointment she said everything she had said on the phone and then added that I had “choices to make”. I knew from that day on I would fight for my babies life no matter how short.

The impact this diagnosis that this has made has been life changing. I will never be the same person I was before but I would not change a thing. I have learned more about Edwards Syndrome then probably some doctors and I am thankful for that. I was able to give my baby a fighting chance because of it. Although he was stillborn and did not get a life outside my womb, I know that I did everything I could to help him while he was alive. My family is also very impacted by sweet baby Mac and his diagnosis. They also learned so so much and were solid rocks for me to lean on as we navigated it day by day.

Mac Wilder will forever have my heart, he was and is the most precious thing to me. It absolutely is gut wrenching that I will never get to know him in the physical but I got to know him as he grew in my womb. All the kicks and movements and seeing him grow each week on the ultrasounds. It breaks my heart that the memories I have with him are only in a span of 8 months but I would not change a thing. I would also not change his diagnosis, it makes him who he is and I love every part of him. I am grateful that he has brought me so much knowledge of this topic in hopes it will be able to help me educate others. I am so happy I chose life because if I hadn’t I would’ve missed out on so much. He is not incompatible with life and neither are any other babies with this diagnosis, I pray that doctors continue to become educated on Edwards Syndrome and that it gets the awareness that it deserves. The grief that I feel is because of how deeply I love him and if this love I have is all that I can experience with my baby Mac then I wouldn’t trade it for the world. He has brought so much joy into our lives and the loss of him has brought so much heaviness but I have learned that those two feelings can coexist.

Verity’s village has been there for me and helped in so many ways. The Facebook group “Diagnosis to delivery” was the first one I joined when getting his diagnosis and seeing other people’s stories, questions, and experiences helped me not feel alone. The care packages I received were so thoughtful and made me feel that my baby was loved by people I had never met. I am now apart of “Heartache to Hope” and it has helped me heal in many ways. I will forever be grateful for this organization and will never forget the support it gave me through my pregnancy and after.